Okay, so it's probably about that time of year I think I want to start blogging again.  I always think I want to, and then I do, and then in about 3 weeks, give or take, I stop wanting to.  But, since I've been at UF which has been about 2 months now, I've had a lot of time to myself.  A lot of time where I'm just out, studying, sitting, reading, and watching people.  There are SO many people here.  I see new things every day, and I think that if I recorded all of my reactions to them, it might provide for entertaining reading in the future.  Like right now, I'm sitting in the Starbucks at the hub on campus.  There are always a ton of people in here.  One girl is just sitting in one of the comfy chairs, pink bow in hair, drinking her wild cherry pepsi, and she's just sitting...watching people.  I normally at least have some form of distraction with my, hence my faithful compy, so that it's not entirely obvious that I'm watching people.  The girl in the chair next to her, a plump asian girl (plump is a rarity here at the University of Florida where everyone seems to never get tired, and move at high speeds)...this girl is reading a book while periodically checking her blackberry...which I keep thinking I want.  Something about the elimination of t9 really excites me.  But she's reading.  This girl directly in front of me, making it a little less convenient to stare at her, is just sitting also (strange!) but she's drinking from a water bottle and listening to her iPod...she's boring.  This kid that just sat down next to me with his Chick Fil A that smells delicious, he seems cool. Haven't really directly looked at him because that'd be entirely unsmooth.  He's reading USA Today, and has weird plastic flip flops on. Haha, and he's typing on his phone with one finger, with the phone sitting on the table like a keyboard, and he's pecking at it like an amateur computer user.  I find that amusing.  Every day that I come and sit in all of these crowded places, with all of these diverse people, I always want someone just to come up to me and talk to me. I'd love for that to happen. Just some completely random person who knows nothing about me, and I know nothing about them, and they just ask me my name, and that's it. Conversation. Just for the heck of it. And maybe we'd talk until either of us had finished our food/drink/whatever, and then just say 'Thanks for the conversation, see you around"...That'd be so awesome. 

Guess what.
I've been doing a lot of thinking and I think I want to go back to UF. I think it might be a better place for me. I spent last weekend up there with Bridget and other awesome people and I really had an awesome time. It really made me wonder why I couldn't have any fun when I actually lived up there, but the first time I visit I did.  I know for a fact that the point I was at in my life when I was actually going to school there was no where near healthy, and it was very understandable why I couldn't enjoy anything about being there. I couldn't enjoy anything about my life at all. But now, I think it might be the right time for me to get away. Before wasn't the right time.  I think back and I'm amazed at how confident I was that everything was going to be perfect. Life had never thrown something so tough at me before. There was no way I could have prepared for it. But I truly feel like I've grown. I feel a new sense of independence that I haven't felt in a while now. And I feel like I would be ready for a completely new start.  It makes me excited to think about it.

Here's something I just heard from Eckhart Tolle. "Always run your own race. Don't worry about anyone else's because whatever energy you put into someone else's issues is taking away from the energy you can put into yourself." This made a lot of sense to me. My constant feeling of exhaustion could maybe be fixed if I could save all my energy for myself! I think I am going to try that.

Smile!:
My entire trip to Gainesville.
Sing Star 90s!
The other day I saw two different people pulled over on the side of the highway picking wildflowers. : ] I really liked that.
I have a really good weekend to look forward to.
And a summer coming up pretty soon.

I have high hopes for what's coming!
Dear future,
Please don't disappoint me.

Heyo.
Welcome to my exciting life. I've been going to school, laying around, and hanging out occasionally. One day, myself, Chelsea, Kevin, Peter, and Erin went to Five Guys. BTW, that place is freaking good. Eat there. Anyway, they let you throw the peanut shells on the floor there, but we were in there close to closing so the whole place looked clean and Peter refused to throw his shells on the ground in fear of dirtying up the place. Like, he cringed when I threw mine on the floor. Once Peter had constructed a very nice pile of shells on the table in front of him, Chelsea swiftly wiped them onto the floor. Peter was very upset and worried about this. And this was very funny. Soooo, when he got up to go to the bathroom, Chelsea and all her brilliance went and asked the large black man taking orders if he would walk over and "yell" at Peter for the shells on the floor. So, the guy walks over and looks right at Peter and says, "What's with all these shells on the floor?" AND PETE'S FACE WAS SO SCARED. He immediately pointed to Chelsea and couldn't manage to get any words out. AND IT WAS HILARIOUS. Then we told him it was a joke and everyone had a good day. Twas the highlight of my week, I guess. If that even was this week, I don't remember.

Other smiley things:
Annette Porebski killed me today making fun of people the wear headbands across their foreheads.
Andrew can drive! Say wha?!
I got an A on my last english paper!
Finally finally got a new phone that can actually make phone calls.
We've had some nice weather lately. It automatically puts me in a good mood.
: ]

Wudup.
This is how I feel lately. I feel like I want to just lay low. I want to just sit in my room and wait out this storm. I want to stay away from people until everyone forgets who I am, and then after everyone's forgotten, I can come back out and start over. That way when people think of me, they won't be able to associate me with anyone or anything that's ever happened in the past. I want to be my own person, and I want everyone who knows me to think of me as the great person that I am. Instead of always believing everything they hear about me.  So, I think I'm only going to keep in contact with those I really care about, and avoid everyone else. Then people can forget and maybe in a few months, I'll go outside and people will say "Mary! Where have you been? I haven't seen you in forever!" And then, everything will be fresh. And I won't have to worry about what anyone thinks about me anymore. Because it won't matter. And they won't remember.

Anyway, spring break is over. I can't help but feel disappointed. Last year's spring break was so amazing, but I guess I shouldn't have expected this one to top it. I did a lot of beaching, and am happy to say I am no longer entirely transparent. Lucky for all of us.  I had a good time with my friends this week. It was nice to have just one week of everyone being together. Almost made me feel normal, but now it's back to the grind, and school's up tomorrow, and everyone's gone. But my cousins will be here next weekend!! I can't wait.

Smiles:
Andrew/Peter being Smeagle. I'm serious. It was amazing.
Also, them knowing every word to every Disney song ever created.
"I hope you bleed"
BEACH.
The Breakfast Club : ) 3 dollar breakfast and coffee.
The fact that I drink coffee now. It makes me feel college-y. And it's about time I feel that way.
Having people that care about me no matter what. I can't tell you how much I love you guys.

Update!! It's been my spring break, guys. It's been awesome so far. I can't even explain how much I love to have my friends home. I don't realize how much I miss em until they're back. All it does is make me extra extra anxious for summer. But yeah, having lots of friends at the moment definitely helps me to keep distracted so I don't have to worry about other crazy things in my life. It's making things a lot easier to deal with and I'm really grateful for that. We've been beaching it the last couple days in a row. I'm going to become the tannest redhead anyone's ever seen. That still won't actually be tan, but it will be like, a darker pale. Umm, I don't sleep well at all. I really really need to work on that I think. Except I kind of don't care that much. I just drink a lot a lot of caffeine on a daily basis so I make it through. But thats a good thing about the beach! Wears me out somethin' fierce. Sun drains me all out.

Smiley stuff:
Best Lightning game I've been to in a long time was last night. Saw a hat trick for the first time in real life!! And it was Vinny <33
I can successfully not kill myself now on a skim board.
Late night roof talks at my house! We haven't had those in forever!
I scored in Ultimate today : ) And knocked down a pass. I'm hardcore.
I GOT AN A+ ON MY PHYSICS EXAM. I HAVE NO IDEA HOW I DID THAT. BUT IT HAS MADE MY SPRING BREAK SO FAR.
It's been so long since I've been proud of something I've done in school.

: ]

It's been a while since I've updated.  It's been a weird week. Not too much has been going on. Just going to school, trying to get my work done. Just trying to get happier, you know? I definitely need something to fill all my free time. I had a job interview at Aeropostale. I've turned in a bunch of applications, they're the only ones that have responded. Whatever. I don't even care where I work anymore, I just want a job, so I can get money, and be bored less.  I've been working out a little lately. It makes me feel good, so I think I'm gonna keep doing it. I know, it makes too much sense. Uhhhh, I'm really boring. Hopefully something cool will happen soon so I can entertain all you faithful readers. Ha.

Smile!
My friggin' chem teacher drinks a capri sun EVERY CLASS. And, get this. Opens it with a pocket knife, NOT the straw.
It is the most ridiculous thing you could ever imagine.
BRAD RICHARDS IS GONE!! : ) But seriously? How long have I been saying we should get rid of him?? Yeah, exactly. I should be the lightning GM. I would have gotten a better deal for him, too. I realized he wasn't worth it YEARS ago. Ha, way to go, Feaster.
It's girl scout cookie season.
I bought Iron and Wine tickets today. Can't wait for that.
And I bought the sunglasses I wanted. Since I'm always blind.
: ]

Hello. The last few days have been rough, no doubt. But I don't really want to talk about it. You can ask me if you want, or if you feel like you might have some sort of insight into my mess of a life right now. Otherwise, I'll move on. I'm so tired right now I don't even know what to put. I really want to have a fun weekend. I want lots of plans, no down time. It'd even be extra awesome if I was so busy that I didn't sign into myspace once the whole weekend. That'd be amazing. Awesome housing fair at school today. SO MUCH free food. And I got an airbrush tattoo of a stegosaurus! For free! I love him. His name is Steggy. I hate the lightning. They really make me sad. My life would be so much happier right now if they didn't suck. And my Vinny is slipping too : ( It's rough times right now.

This was a horrible update. I'm sorry. I'm so tired.

: )
I'm not kidding about these goats. I think I want one, for serious.
I got another job interview at Aeropostale.
Billiam got a huge shark airbrush tattoo, LOL.
My chem lab was actually pretty cool today.
LOST was such a good episode tonight.
Spring break is almost here and my cousins come down the week after!!

Update time. Weekend was good fun. I'm really glad my friends were here. I sure have missed them. Friday night was extra long Chelsea talks at Starbucks/Panera which was wonderful. And then guitar hero at Jimmy's! He had this shocky thing that you use to contract your muscles and stuff and Pfleeg put it on his arms and his face, and so did Matt, and it was friggin' hilarious.  It apparently turns you retarded and takes away your ability to speak. And then the boys stole Chelsea's car, and it was great.
Saturday! Was long time waiting Starbucks talk with Bridget. That was well needed. Then Lightning game which I don't want to talk about because it was the best and then the worst game of my life all in about 30 seconds of playing time. Please, lets not talk about it. Then Andrew's house for way too much youtubing and laughter. Good times.
Sunday = never anything good.

My sister got her eyebrow pierced today! It was pretty cool. And it doesn't look stupid on her, like I expected. She bled a lot. It was awesome.

I need to figure out how to be happy all the time. I really hope I figure it out soon. But for now, here's whats making me happy some of the time:
Srsly, that goat farm is so cool.
Omg, 'Don't Stop Believing' came on yesterday. I miss c/o 07 so bad!
A kitty jumped in my lap today.
I can't wait till April and all my concerts :)
Vinny Lecavalier. I can't wipe the stupid grin off my face every time I see him. I'm going to pretend like he sees me, too.

I NEED AN ADVENTURE.

Oh, It's been a long day. School felt long, the drive felt long, my homework just took me FOREVER. But hey! I pretty much scored myself a job today. The new Chilis out by the suncoast. I'm gonna be a server. : ) I'm excited. I desperately needed to earn some cash, and suck up some of my free time that I spend on damned myspace.  So yay for me. I am happy about it.
It's 2 in the morning. Technically it's Valentine's Day. This so-called holiday doesn't mean anything to me. I've never actually celebrated it. But I do appreciate any and all candy. : )
I am very excited for Bridget to be coming home this weekend. I miss best friend. Especially now, at this time in my life. I'm looking forward to some good starbucks talks and Lightning game Saturday! Woo. Fun fun. Other than that, my life is kind of stagnant at the moment. Give me an adventure!

Things to make me smile:
I saw a goat farm today. With goats for sale.
Brand New Acoustic.
Neutral Milk Hotel.
I GOT A JOB.
I wrote a letter. Who knows if it will ever get read, but I'm glad I wrote it.
I drank coffee that I made at my house for the first time ever. I smile because I'm saving money!

: ]

I would like to first dedicate this entry to the best thing that's happened to me in the last couple days.
Thanks to Kevin for being such caring, scathing friend. He's got my back : ) This is his response to someone else's really gay bash on me.
"Dont Judge, you arnt God. So shut the fuck up." it's a shame God presence seems to be absent, because im sure he'd condem a dirty whore like you to the pits of hell, ever hear the story of saddom and gamora.  You're really nothing more than a parasite... what you've done is sadly but successfully stolen something.  What sort of fully minded person has so little respect for themselves... your record shows that you're no more than a pathetic slut, whos greatest life accomplishment has been spitting in the very face of the very thing you seem to be preaching here.  If you truely felt bad, why the public show, you're not the victim, you deserve much more pain and misery and i'm fairly certain karma will take care of that, hopefully with a nice disease like aids or perhaps a pregnancy...

I'm really glad he's my friend.
Anyway, since the last update nothing cool has happened. Sunday was lame. Today was lame. Just sit around the house days. Sometimes those are good, but I've had a cluttered mind lately. There just seems to be so many different paths I could go down, and all of them are intriguing, but I'm not sure which one I want yet. Therefore, clutter and a resulting blah feeling all over.
There are some things I'm facing right now where I feel the urge to express my feelings all the way, but that I hesitate because of some reason. I don't want something adverse to come from my honesty. I have images of how I want things to work out. And I really want to honestly express how I feel, but I don't want to ruin things. I have everything in a happy little perspective, though. Things may be ruined already and I don't even know.
This will make no sense to anyone else probably. But that's why its my journal. :)

Smiley things:
We could all kick Helen Keller's ass.
My wise wit at dinner the other night regarding my sister's hopes to find a cute boy in rehab.
Comment conversations with my bearded friend.
And Kevin's spiteful genius.

 

The last couple days have been pretty fun. I really like just hangin out and doing nothing. I think it's my thing. Good conversation makes me happy, especially when it's friggin' hilarious. OMG AREN'T YOU DANIEL FROM THOREAU?! Oh boy, so funny. I was really glad to be able to see some of the old pals that I haven't seen in way too long. I miss everyone. Definitely helps to remind me how happy I used to be. So I think I'm workin my way back up there. I love new friends too : ) So far, it's wonderful. There's pretty  much only one thing, besides my mom, that gets me down anymore. It's stupid though. My old self wouldn't even care, so hopefully since I'm working my way back to my old self, I will soon no longer care : ) Anywayyyy...

Smiley things as of late!:
wtf. Andrew threw me over his shoulder, spun around like a mad man, and then DROPPED ME ON THE CONCRETE.  It was undeniably hilarious, but my face is scraped, lol.
Actually making some friends that are girls.
Playing at the gym and proving that I am still slightly awesome at gymnastics : )
Starbucks overload.
Lots of other things, just good times with lots of laughs the past couple days. KEEP EM COMIN!!
: ]

Just got home from Steak n Shake. It's 2:24 in the morning and I have class at 10. ...excellent. My family is what seems like irreparable.  I don't know what I'm supposed to do about it because I for some reason don't feel like it's my responsibility to fix it.  I feel like other than being a little less affectionate that is probably desired, that I am the ideal teenager to raise.  Most would agree. I don't get in trouble, I do really well in school, and I'm an all around good person. What more could a parent want? I'm sorry I'm not your best friend. And I'm sorry that I don't care how work was. I don't know why you care so much about how my day went. This kind of stuff just doesn't click with me. I'm sorry that my sister is such a screw up, and doesn't live here anymore. I'm sorry that I think she's actually doing the right thing by keeping her distance. I'M SO SORRY THAT YOU'RE NOT STRONG ENOUGH TO HANDLE IT. It's true. Whenever I let vulnerability encompass me, she is strong then, when I need her to be, and I'm extra thankful for that. But that is what a parent is supposed to do. I feel like I have to be strong for her more often than she does for me, and I don't want to! It's not my job. I'm the kid. I shouldn't have to worry about building my mother's self esteem. I just shouldn't.

Agh, sorry about that. These things made me smile today:
My physics TA messing with the stapler, and how hard the kid behind me laughed at it.
CHRISTIAN SIRIANO and Ferocia Coutura.
Madelyn and I accidently letting curse words slip.
Guy at Hot Topic with the kitty t-shirt.
My dog.
Text messages.
And neighborhood friends.

Update number 2. Here are my thoughts.
I'm working to just take each day as it comes. Enjoy ever hour as much as I can, so then I can somehow achieve maximum happiness?
Sounds like it'd make sense, right? I hope so. There are a lot of things I'm looking forward too, which is something I haven't been able to say in a while. I'm really looking forward to new things. I want to meet new people. I want to try new things. I'm just not really sure where to find all this newness yet.  But I'm definitely anxious. So, if you know of any new adventures, mention them to me, I think I'll be down.

The things that have made me smile today:
CHRISTIAN FROM PROJECT RUNWAY. i love him.
Wow, listened to the whole RENT soundtrack again today. Makes me cry and smile every time.
Reminiscing about gymnastics with Steve, lol.
I'm addicted to caffeine. I find it funny.
Waking up at Andrews and not knowing what was going on for a couple seconds.
"Do you hear that? It's a jet."
: ]

In times of change, I feel like writing is a good idea. So I'ma start this LJ! Who knows how long it will last. Anyway, my life at the moment...is different than I'm used to. I'm anxious for things to get moving. For me to get back to any sense of routine, or sense of normalcy. But I'm determined to learn while I'm waiting. Time for some self reflection! I just hope I have the patience.

Here are the things that have made me happy lately:
My spanish neighbor washing his car to really loud fiesta music.
The superbowl, the helmet catch, and Charles Barkley.
The friends I got.
Looking forward to new friends : )
Iron and Wine.
New Messages, Comments, etc. (I know, it's lame, but my life is pretty uneventful at this time.)

Things that have not made me happy lately:
I CAN NOT CONTROL EVERYTHING.

I'm working on being okay with that, and accepting that that is how life is and that it is beautiful anyway.